I did it!

22 05 2011

Here is post #2 of posts that have been sitting in draft form and I never finished for various reasons, but still feel they are important to share.

I went to happy hour/dinner with some friends and made good food choices!

I had a grilled chicken sandwich, substituted side salad for fries, got the vinaigrette dressing AND took home half of the sandwich for later! I did have two glasses of wine, but we where there for 2.5 hours and I also had at least a quart of water. (oh, and 4 tots from my friends’ plate. More than nothing, yes, but way less than ordering them myself. Or eating all of hers, feigning ignorance for my poor etiquette.)

I realize these aren’t the most perfect choices in all the world, but they were just right for me. I continue to struggle with making good choices and not going overboard one way or the other. In the past, I would have gotten a dressing-free salad and had water, been pissed all night as I watched my friends enjoy much more delicious things, gotten myself into a downward spiral of hate-thoughts, and stopped at McD’s or something equally gross on the way home as a way to “execute my control over what I put in my body” when really, it’s waaay worse than anything I might have wanted at the restaurant. Or swap the binge, and had a cheeseburger, fries and 2 or more high calorie beers then been pissed at myself and thrown up or just said hateful things to myself all night/the next day/several days after. I’ve never been very good at being in the middle.  Update: not sure why I was waiting on this one. I think I started to talk about some of the deeper issues and I wasn’t ready to write about them fully. Too bad, I’m going to do it now. No sense putting it off longer.


I am a Warrior!

22 05 2011

This post begins the posting of posts that have been sitting in draft form and I never finished for various reasons, but still feel they are important to share.

I completed the Warrior Dash! It is a 5k trail run with many obstacles including crawling under barbed wire, though mud (which gives the distinctive mud covered appearance of all Warriors), hurdling/flopping over logs in waist deep water, cargo nets, and more. I’d really like to include a couple pics, but facebook has made it hard to copy or link to photos (which is very annoying.)  If you are really curious, try these links but I have no idea if they will work:

very flattering, no? (If you don’t sense the sarcasm, know that I strongly dislike how I look in every pic from that day, despite how much fun it was.)

This race was harder than I anticipated. I’d been running a bit, but mostly on treadmills which is WAY different than trail running. Add in the obstacles, and I discovered I wasn’t in as great of shape as I thought. It was odd to feel strong an yet out of shape at the same time. This was right after my bootcamp experiences where I was deadlifting my weight and flipping tires on a regular basis. It takes a crap load of effort to move this body in a way most bodies this size don’t move.

Five pounds

19 03 2011

As best as I can tell, I’m down five pounds.

My weight fluctuates a pound or two each day, so deciding on an estimate of where I “started” (my average weight in February-ish) and an estimate of where it is now, I’m down at least 5. Maybe 8 (!).

This is within 5 of where I ended last summer (when I was working out mondo amounts).  (and had plenty of time to plan and cook meals.)

I’m pretty pleased with this. I did it by eating well (1500ish calories a day made up of high quality food) and exercising 2-3 times a week. I could step it up with my exercising, but what I’m doing now (Hatha yoga 1-2x and Zumba 1x weekly) fits in really well with my schedule. Some people might tell me to up my calorie intake, but it’s hard to rationalize when I’m not exercising that much. Although I’m moving 3x/week, it’s not like I’m running 10 miles or weight training.  I’m still trying to find “balance” in everything – exercise, food, real life.  My (sorta) long term plan is to keep doing whatever helps me loose 5 or so pounds a month. I expect to have much more dramatic ups and downs, but I’m fully conscious of making this a lifestyle, not a diet.

“Unbearable Lightness”

15 02 2011

Recently, I read the memoir “Unbearable Lightness” by Portia de Rossi. Her journey is much, much different from mine. Yet, I saw parts of myself in her story. One passage struck me in particular:

“…Diets that tell people what to eat or when to eat are the practices in between. And dieting, I discovered, was another form  of disordered eating, just as anorexia and bulimia similarly disrupt the natural order of eating. “Ordered” eating is the practice of eating when you are hungry and ceasing to eat when your brain sends the signal that your stomach is full. “Ordered” eating is about eating for enjoyment, for health, and to sustain life. “Ordered” eating is not restricting certain kinds of foods because they are “bad.” Obsessing about what and when to eat is not normal, natural, and orderly. Thinking about food to the point of obsession and ignoring your body’s signals is a disorder.”

I don’t have disordered eating habits anywhere near the level she suffered with. (Perhaps the argument of overeating could be made to be as life threatening as anorexia, but that’s not my point.)  Yet, my eating is far from “ordered.” I’m not sure I’ve EVER known how to eat in an orderly fashion. I’ve been at the point of obsession (luckily, not as extreme as her experience, and it didn’t persist) but the reminder of what that was like is enough to scare me from wanting to get near it again. It is clear to me that that way of relating to food and your body isn’t healthy. I cannot seem to find one that is. (It is also possible that I use the excuse of past obsession as a reason to avoid finding a healthy balance now.) (I should be in therapy, most likely. Attempting to perform therapy on yourself is not recommended.)

My point? Hmm. I was so struck by her description of what “ordered” eating means to her and how far it is from my relationship with food. Maybe that’s all. I’m feeling optimistic right now, so I’m going to consider this train of thought as a puzzle piece I’ve found, but don’t know where it goes yet. (Does the metaphor even make sense?)

A rant.

15 02 2011

Being a fat girl is no fun for many reasons, one of which I was reminded of today.
Allow me, please, to rant for a bit. I think it’s necessary for my self esteem or something (and yes, I know it’s pretty much just feeling sorry for myself because I put myself in this position, don’t think all that hasn’t been running through my mind. I’m still pissed.)

In Portland, it rains. Often. And sometimes all day. I’ve lived here 3.5 years and do not own a rain jacket. This is not because I’m oblivious to the weather, I just haven’t found one that fits and/or is in my budget. (Until I got my Adult Job last September, I made very little moolah.) I’ve finally come around to like the idea of taking care of myself, which includes not dressing like a slob, wearing make up and jewelry because it’s fun, and I TRIED to stop being a wet mess all the time by procuring a rain jacket. Simple? No. I think I need an XXL (think versus know because no stores carry that size so I’ve yet to try one on) and can’t find one. I’ve tried 9 stores in the past few days. NOTHING. Sure, I could buy an ugly men’s jacket, but to get one big enough to fit my hips means I’ve got room for a fully stuffed backpack on top. And a few sweaters. And maybe a camelback.  Seriously, they are huge. And $80-150. I just can’t spend that much money on something so unflattering, no matter how practical.

There isn’t much of a conclusion here, just that I’ve been ridiculously frustrated, to the point of tears. I kept thinking that all I wanted to do was take care of myself by wearing proper outerwear, and my size prevents that from happening. Know what happens when I feel that way? I WANT TO EAT. (I’ve been able to refrain for today, but it’s pretty obvious how I got to this point in life.)


Here we go again

7 02 2011

So…. it’s been 3.5 months this blog has been silent. I’ve got a couple drafts of posts from that time, but nothing super duper great (obviously, I didn’t even finish writing and post them!)

I’ve been trying to figure out what my magical “ok, now I’ll be serious” moment was/is going to be. Diagnosed with Type II diabetes? Can’t fit into a booth at a restaurant? I already feel squeezed in some chairs. Maybe I don’t get a magical change epiphany. Maybe I just have to do it for all the other reasons  – to feel better, be healthier, be happy and pleased with myself, show my body respect, the list goes on.

In the last three months I’ve slowly gotten away from what I was doing last summer. This makes sense, the way I was working out and thinking about food was not realistic with a full time job, but I let too much slide. I stopped planning my meals, I stopped moving at all outside of daily living requirements. I let myself make the same excuse over and over that I could eat or drink what I wanted because it’s not like the rest of the day/week/month was on any kind of track, anyway. Luckily, I’ve gained less than 5 pounds. This is a huge change for me – the past several years I’ve gained or lost 5-30 pounds over the course of several months. The fact that my weight has stayed within 10 pounds of where it was a year ago feels like a small victory. Maybe I’ve sorta figured out maintenance? Too bad the body I’m maintaining is not the body I want! But it does give me hope that I’ve learned some things and have been able to make some small changes. Now I’m ready to try for some bigger changes again.

I ordered this guy at the recommendation of this gal and am eagerly awaiting it’s arrival. Of course, this is just one tool. I’ve tracked calories before, made my own grids and graphs in notebooks and am looking forward to having it done for me in an orderly fashion. I like that it includes daily exercise. It’s like a combination of many different tracking tools I’ve used and made up before! I’m giving myself license before it even gets here to not fill in every box, to leave days blank, to not be hard on myself and just use it for what it can do for me, not how perfectly I can make each day add up to 1500 calories or whatever… I’m starting a new topic which should be it’s own post… and one that will be hard to write. Even harder for my family to read. So, look forward to that I guess?

But the good news: here we go again! with a positive attitude!

Apparently I like running

19 09 2010
yay for me

Post-run glow!

I’ve been talking about running for a few years now.  I’ve even tried a few times to make myself into a “runner.”

After the Dash last week, I realized that running a couple miles now and then on a treadmill isn’t all I want from running.  After my workout Wednesday, I spontaneously ran to the nearby park and back (estimate – 1 mile).  It felt great, and fairly easy.  So this Friday, I did the same thing!  (even though my workout was brutal – major circuits including 100 pushups, 100 kettelbell swings, tire jumping, mountain climbers and my first go at boxing).  Somehow, I had some ‘juice’ left and took off (even though it was drizzling.)

I made sure to check the clock this time before leaving the gym, I was curious. And curiosity paid off! It took me less than 14 minutes to run to the park and back!  I wonder if when on the treadmill, I spend too much energy watching time, thinking about intervals, not pushing myself for fear of “wasting” energy that I’ve over analyzed simple running. (I’m actually pretty sure that’s the case. I’ve very good at over analyzing).

A friend gave me the book Running for Mortals and although I’ve just started it, I already appreciate that bonafide runners (that is, those who run marathons, are capable of running several miles without stopping) consider what I do (that is, running, walking, jogging, walking some more) as running.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be at that level, but I know that running feels good (most of the time) and it’s easy.  So much easier this time around.  Why? I’m not sure.  Probably due to my mindset.  Instead of thinking it was going to hurt, being preoccupied with every ache and pain afterwards, I just run.

I’ve asked for these kick ass shoes for my birthday (if they don’t come, I’ll actually be able to use my grown-up income to buy them!) I know several people who wear these and swear by them.  Barefoot running is suppose to feel completely different (which it probably does) and amazing.  Over time, leg muscles learn to work together differently to stabilize and make use of the anatomy of your foot.  I (probably have some grandiose thinking here) believe that thanks to years of ballet, my feet will be strong and my body will adjust to these shoes quickly.  Even if they don’t, I’m excited for the challenge and experience.