“Unbearable Lightness”

15 02 2011

Recently, I read the memoir “Unbearable Lightness” by Portia de Rossi. Her journey is much, much different from mine. Yet, I saw parts of myself in her story. One passage struck me in particular:

“…Diets that tell people what to eat or when to eat are the practices in between. And dieting, I discovered, was another form  of disordered eating, just as anorexia and bulimia similarly disrupt the natural order of eating. “Ordered” eating is the practice of eating when you are hungry and ceasing to eat when your brain sends the signal that your stomach is full. “Ordered” eating is about eating for enjoyment, for health, and to sustain life. “Ordered” eating is not restricting certain kinds of foods because they are “bad.” Obsessing about what and when to eat is not normal, natural, and orderly. Thinking about food to the point of obsession and ignoring your body’s signals is a disorder.”

I don’t have disordered eating habits anywhere near the level she suffered with. (Perhaps the argument of overeating could be made to be as life threatening as anorexia, but that’s not my point.)  Yet, my eating is far from “ordered.” I’m not sure I’ve EVER known how to eat in an orderly fashion. I’ve been at the point of obsession (luckily, not as extreme as her experience, and it didn’t persist) but the reminder of what that was like is enough to scare me from wanting to get near it again. It is clear to me that that way of relating to food and your body isn’t healthy. I cannot seem to find one that is. (It is also possible that I use the excuse of past obsession as a reason to avoid finding a healthy balance now.) (I should be in therapy, most likely. Attempting to perform therapy on yourself is not recommended.)

My point? Hmm. I was so struck by her description of what “ordered” eating means to her and how far it is from my relationship with food. Maybe that’s all. I’m feeling optimistic right now, so I’m going to consider this train of thought as a puzzle piece I’ve found, but don’t know where it goes yet. (Does the metaphor even make sense?)

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A rant.

15 02 2011

Being a fat girl is no fun for many reasons, one of which I was reminded of today.
Allow me, please, to rant for a bit. I think it’s necessary for my self esteem or something (and yes, I know it’s pretty much just feeling sorry for myself because I put myself in this position, don’t think all that hasn’t been running through my mind. I’m still pissed.)

In Portland, it rains. Often. And sometimes all day. I’ve lived here 3.5 years and do not own a rain jacket. This is not because I’m oblivious to the weather, I just haven’t found one that fits and/or is in my budget. (Until I got my Adult Job last September, I made very little moolah.) I’ve finally come around to like the idea of taking care of myself, which includes not dressing like a slob, wearing make up and jewelry because it’s fun, and I TRIED to stop being a wet mess all the time by procuring a rain jacket. Simple? No. I think I need an XXL (think versus know because no stores carry that size so I’ve yet to try one on) and can’t find one. I’ve tried 9 stores in the past few days. NOTHING. Sure, I could buy an ugly men’s jacket, but to get one big enough to fit my hips means I’ve got room for a fully stuffed backpack on top. And a few sweaters. And maybe a camelback.  Seriously, they are huge. And $80-150. I just can’t spend that much money on something so unflattering, no matter how practical.

There isn’t much of a conclusion here, just that I’ve been ridiculously frustrated, to the point of tears. I kept thinking that all I wanted to do was take care of myself by wearing proper outerwear, and my size prevents that from happening. Know what happens when I feel that way? I WANT TO EAT. (I’ve been able to refrain for today, but it’s pretty obvious how I got to this point in life.)

Sigh.





Here we go again

7 02 2011

So…. it’s been 3.5 months this blog has been silent. I’ve got a couple drafts of posts from that time, but nothing super duper great (obviously, I didn’t even finish writing and post them!)

I’ve been trying to figure out what my magical “ok, now I’ll be serious” moment was/is going to be. Diagnosed with Type II diabetes? Can’t fit into a booth at a restaurant? I already feel squeezed in some chairs. Maybe I don’t get a magical change epiphany. Maybe I just have to do it for all the other reasons  – to feel better, be healthier, be happy and pleased with myself, show my body respect, the list goes on.

In the last three months I’ve slowly gotten away from what I was doing last summer. This makes sense, the way I was working out and thinking about food was not realistic with a full time job, but I let too much slide. I stopped planning my meals, I stopped moving at all outside of daily living requirements. I let myself make the same excuse over and over that I could eat or drink what I wanted because it’s not like the rest of the day/week/month was on any kind of track, anyway. Luckily, I’ve gained less than 5 pounds. This is a huge change for me – the past several years I’ve gained or lost 5-30 pounds over the course of several months. The fact that my weight has stayed within 10 pounds of where it was a year ago feels like a small victory. Maybe I’ve sorta figured out maintenance? Too bad the body I’m maintaining is not the body I want! But it does give me hope that I’ve learned some things and have been able to make some small changes. Now I’m ready to try for some bigger changes again.

I ordered this guy at the recommendation of this gal and am eagerly awaiting it’s arrival. Of course, this is just one tool. I’ve tracked calories before, made my own grids and graphs in notebooks and am looking forward to having it done for me in an orderly fashion. I like that it includes daily exercise. It’s like a combination of many different tracking tools I’ve used and made up before! I’m giving myself license before it even gets here to not fill in every box, to leave days blank, to not be hard on myself and just use it for what it can do for me, not how perfectly I can make each day add up to 1500 calories or whatever… I’m starting a new topic which should be it’s own post… and one that will be hard to write. Even harder for my family to read. So, look forward to that I guess?

But the good news: here we go again! with a positive attitude!