Stupid job (is ending)

14 06 2010

I’m being fired from my job. Maybe laid off. Not sure yet – the final meeting is tomorrow. I’m hoping “laid off” will be the language, because it is the most appropriate.  Regardless of what happens, I’ve been living a special kind of hell for the past two weeks, and really for the past month as I’ve been trying to “meet the minimum requirements” of my job description, despite the lack of work present for me to meet those requirements. Whatever the outcome, whatever the amount of work I’ve put into it, I’m depressed, which makes the process of losing weight, quite difficult (if not impossible).

I thought I was handling things ok until I realized I’d slept more hours than I’d been awake in the previous days.  That pattern (mixed with anxiety-fueled sleepless nights), although not entirely consistent (mix in some days of denial/anger/apathy), has persevered the past two weeks. My activity level has been low.  My desire to work out or take an active role in my health is low.  I feel like doing nothing.  I feel nothing, really. I think I’m actively trying not to be upset or angry, so I’m just feeling NOTHING. This may be a benefit in some regards, but overall it’s not helping.  I either need to GET MAD and do something, or just get over it.

Luckily (for someone trying to loose weight), my appetite is low as well.  This could be due to several factors (my actions to shrink stomach size, depression (though an opposite symptom for me), lack of activity = lack of need for calories) but I’ve lost a couple more pounds! I’ve worked out a little, but not enough to make a difference (I think). When I’m stressed, I tend to somatocize (word?) my feelings with digestive disruption. For several years, I’ve been able to link digestion problems with stress.  I’ve even been able to detect unknown stress by digestive distress.  This has certainly been present, thus leading to lack of desire to eat (because my tummy hurts) and possibly lack of digestion of the calories I DO eat (because my system isn’t absorbing anything).  Whatever the cause, I’ve been tracking calories, and according to that, the scale should be staying the same.  I guess we’ll see what happens over the next few days before really declaring a poundage loss.

I’ve certainly got more feelings and thoughts regarding this issue… so… more to come. (Probably.)



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